Articles by Juliet Menager

I was never considered ‘sporty’ at school. The chubby girl who dreaded the torment of team selection in P.E. lessons. Needless to say I was often picked last. My end of term Sports reports would come home with an “A” for effort, and a C for ability. The P.E. teachers agreed 

that, whilst I put in maximum effort, my ability was considered average at best, or mediocre at worst. I eventually made it into the Netball team … the B-Team.

My parents met as teenagers at the Dance Studio my Mum was a teacher at in South London. They were (and still are) both excellent Latin American and Ballroom Dancers. Growing up, the most cherished moments of pure love and joy I witnessed between my parents was when they danced together. I felt I might burst with excitement whenever they stepped onto a dance floor – wherever we were, whether it be a dinner-dance, a small club, family wedding, or even the disco at a Butlins holiday camp, they would often receive a standing ovation from onlookers when they left the dancefloor. I was so proud of my parents. They would be glowing – in the zone - what Positive Psychologists refer to as being ‘in flow’. A couple totally in sync with each other, and the music. In those moments everything else disappeared - my parents were young people in love, putting their heart and soul into a dance and sharing a natural high. 

At home, in the kitchen, my Mum always had music on. I vividly remember us peeling vegetables and preparing food together, then suddenly she’d drop what she was doing and run over to the stereo, insisting “this song is FABULOUS!”. She’d turn the music up really loud, then glide rhythmically around the tiled floor, beckoning for me to join her and teaching me little moves. What she instilled in me with zero effort, was a love of dance. My Mum taught me that home is where the heart is, and, wherever I am, dancing always feels like home. 

My first dance teacher, Mrs Cole, was a wonderful lady. I was 4 or 5 years old, and I remember nothing of the classes other than her kind face and prancing around with blissful abandon. My best friend Anna and I would leave the village hall hand-in-hand with a spring in our steps and beaming faces. We were joyful, and dancing was FUN.

In stark contrast, my second dance teacher, Mrs B was a very different character. She was a bitter old woman who wrote me off the moment she saw that my physique was not one of a ballerina. Dance was a serious business to her, she was on the hunt for a rising star (which I was visibly not) and her lessons were uncomfortably strict. She regarded me with a sour disdainful expression and had a harsh way of pulling my limbs into painfully awkward positions. Those hours felt like torture. Mrs B. had a bit of a monopoly in our area for dance classes – in addition to Ballet, I did Tap and Modern with her. I honestly can’t recall ever enjoying a lesson. 

Happily, when I was 11 years old, my perception of dancing shifted again when my Mum took me with her to try out an exercise class. We were on holiday and merrily trotted down to an outdoor deck. And my goodness, the teacher was so impressive – petite, perky, with blonde permed hair, wearing shiny leggings, a matching leotard, and a neon elasticated belt. A real life 80’s fitness goddess. She introduced herself, and her name was as splendid as her outfit- Olea. My Mum and I stood at the back of the class and told Olea our names when asked.  After a few minutes of the warm-up, Olea asked me to move to a space at the front of the class. I looked at my Mum and she gave me a reassuring smile. Throughout the class Olea frequently looked me straight in the eyes and gave gentle cues that felt like they were just for me: ‘heel lead, chest up’ and ‘step, cross behind, step, tap, clap!’. Her eyes twinkled as she gave encouraging nods saying ‘good stuff! You’re doing great Juliet! Well done! Perfect! You got it!!!’. Every win was celebrated. Little did I know that this fabulous lycra-clad fitness goddess would end up being both my fitness mentor, and one of my very best friends.

When I was 13 Olea introduced me to Monika, a dancer who taught the most amazing classes, with choreography that blew my mind every time (and still does). Monika treats her class-members like a professional dance troop, whatever their age, preparing them to PERFORM! Olea and Monika’s class were the foundation of the school holidays for me – 6 days a week, I’d start my day with a class – or even better, 2 classes! I have made so many friends at Olea and Monika’s classes, including Beth Sulzer-Azaroff, a Behavioural Psychologist who sparked my interest in Psychology. She would say ‘attitude is not everything – BEHAVIOUR is’. She has a constant smile and is the most curious person I’ve ever met – interesting and interested. She’d often start conversations with ‘Tell me…’. 

Later, at University I found an aerobic-dance class I loved with a petite perky blonde teacher called Louise, who always had brilliant music and great choreography. When Louise was unexpectedly absent one week when I showed up for her class. A lovely lady called Alison in the Sports office said “You’d be a great instructor- you should do get qualified to teach”, so I did. Teaching aerobics at Uni were some of the happiest moments of my life –a realisation of ‘THIS is what I’m supposed to be doing!’. Watching the crowd of smiley sweaty faces packed into the Sports Hall, all in synchronized motion, performing my choreography to my favourite music gave me such a buzz. When I visited Olea, she’d invite me to demonstrate next to her on the stage, and sometimes ask me to lead the class warm-up or teach something new. When I graduated from Uni, my colleague Helen said to me, very seriously ‘Please promise me you’ll always keep teaching.’ 

Regrettably I didn’t keep my promise to Helen. I completed my Personal Training & Sports Therapy Diploma and American College of Sports Medicine certification. I worked as a PT for a while, injured my knee which required surgery, so I then started working in Sales. I hadn’t taught a regular class since graduating in 2002. When a new friend asked me what my dream job would be, I replied without hesitation ‘teaching regular aerobics classes, the best job in the World!’. Another friend with us was so puzzled by my answer that he insisted I must have misunderstood the question! 

Frequently I would meet Olea and Monika for dinner to catch up and I vividly remember Monika asking me pointedly at California Pizza Kitchen “If you could go back to University and study anything – what would it be?”. I answered without hesitation ‘Psychology’. Monika said “Ofcourse it is! It always has been. You must do it.”

In 2015 I read a book recommended by my boyfriend called “the switch” and in one chapter it talked about Positive Psychology, and it was the spark that lit the fire of my interest in Psychology. In 2016 I went back to University to do my Masters in Positive Psychology. Learning all about the science of flourishing, I realised that group fitness is the ultimate PPI (positive psychology intervention). It then made complete sense to me that teaching aerobics always felt like the best job in the world.

Fast forward to the Superbowl in February 2020  - no-one knew what laid ahead that year.  This epic event took place with a sense of magnitude and magic at the precipice of what was set to be the roaring 20’s, reinvented. The sporting spectacle took place in Miami, a place I love… and Jennifer Lopez, the legendary superstar also known as J-Lo was performing with Shakira in the halftime show.  

When I watched the performance for the first time, I was overwhelmed with admiration, and a burning desire to get up and dance. Yet there I sat, transfixed, captivated, and in complete awe of the incredible display of performance perfection. Tears rolled down my cheeks. The tears were from happiness for the palpable joy, achievement and satisfaction of the performers, and a huge sense of privilege to witness it. The tears were also tinged with grief, for the times I’ve not danced when I could or should have.  The talent on display by Ms Lopez, Shakira and everyone involved was beyond impressive – it was the best of human capability visible to the naked eye. I then watched it together with my daughter countless times over the subsequent weeks and each time, the same thought crossed my mind ‘I’d love to choreograph a dance routine like this to share this feeling with others’.  

When the 2020 lockdown was  in place to manage the spread of Covid 19, I thought ‘what can I DO?  What can I do to HELP?’. There were a lot of people out there sharing their thoughts and feelings about what we were all collectively experiencing.  We all had our own journey to navigate and were all doing the best we could.  I knew that dancing makes me feel good – I couldn’t go to a class, or teach a class, so I had to find a way. I put my trainers on, re-watched the Superbowl halftime show another 37 times and came up with an aerobics routine to help myself (and others) to dance it out.  

We know that scientifically exercise is good for us. Physiologically, there are so many health benefits, that ultimately reduces the risk of mortality. It’s also a positive psychology intervention – so it’s good for our mental health, raises wellbeing, is a mood lifter, and boosts immunity. But the human part is that I needed a healthy outlet for the frustration of being cut off from every social outlet, with constantly moving goalposts and mixed messages, all the while trying to maintain a sense of normality for my young daughter. My husband made sure that I had time to myself every day to dance. He understands the importance of dancing for me is. He would simply say “I get it. Dancing for you is what American Football is for me”. Having moments to close the door, put the music on, focus on the routine, dance my heart out, stretch to Alicia Keyes’ “Underdog” (and have a good cry), made me feel like myself again. 

I recorded 62 videos of varying lengths to teach the routine for an audience. I spent countless hours on that choreography and practicing the routine. I’m certain dancing kept me sane during that crazy time.I didn’t have the courage to post any of those videos online and the only people I shared a couple with were my fitness mentor, Olea, and of course my Mum. All I knew was that I wanted to reach others and teach others. 

When lockdown restrictions eased, I volunteered to teach dance classes at my local gym and was met with administrative and political resistance. Even though I was offering to teach for free, there were multiple barriers. Undeterred, I started teaching dance classes in my garden and on my driveway for friends and other mothers. I choreographed routines to other songs and taught choreography I’d learned from my favourite dance teacher in the world, and master dance creator, Monika. I shared the choreography for the J-Lo routine on my website (which nobody knew about or looked at… and has long since expired). But why didn’t I feel comfortable sharing something I’d worked so hard on and put so many hours into? For me (again), one excuse was as good as another: the arms are a bit complicated… people might not like it… I’m not good enough… It’s not perfect. 

It’s only now, 4 years later, with the encouragement and support of friends and family that I feel ready to share this joyful and vulnerable part of myself with others. Finding a way for every“body” to embrace the joy of dance and spread it to others has led me to dust off my choreography notebook. I’ve updated the routine to make it into more of a performance dance, with parts easy enough for onlookers to pick up and join in with. There is only one Jennifer Lopez, but as Olea says ‘you don’t have to get it perfect – you just have to get it GOING’. I’m still an average dancer who gives it maximum effort, and I hope that my enthusiasm may inspire others to join in and just have fun. 

So, I am now teaching regular classes in central London. I am also teaching the “Let’s get loud” routine to as many people as possible. There are easy bits and more complicated bits, but the chorus is super simple so everyone can join in. I invite everyone to learn as much as you like – with the primary objective to enjoy yourself and keep moving. 

Dance like no-one’s watching. Or, if you prefer… imagine you’re a superstar like Jennifer Lopez, centre stage, with millions of people watching and cheering! 

Tips to move more...

• ENVIRONMENTAL PROMPTS: Lay out your workout clothes the night before and put your trainers and water bottle by the front door so you are ready to go. (You can even take this a step further by going to bed in your exercise clothes then literally all you have to do in the morning is put your shoes on and get out of the door). 

• DAILY MOVEMENT: Using a standing desk, walking more, taking the stairs, dancing in the kitchen. 

• SCHEDULE: One plan is worth a thousand hopes, and you know the best time of day for you to exercise – make appointments to invest in your health with exercise. 

• ENJOYMENT: Doing exercise that you enjoy is most sustainable and gratifying (e.g. Dance Aerobics), also do some resistance (weighted) work to maintain strength, and stretching to maintain flexibility each week

“We can all design our lives to promote health, longevity and vitality” 

By Juliet Menager

Salutogenesis is the study of the origins of health and focuses on factors that support human health and well-being. Salutogenesis is the positive opposite of pathogenesis which focuses on the causes of disease. Our perception is our reality, and what we focus our attention on grows. Our choices and actions have a direct impact on our health - we can build resilient bodies and brains. In a world obsessed with disease and disorder, we can choose to focus on staying well, and actively support health, longevity and vitality. The best health insurance we can invest in is building our own individual health capital through through lifestyle, active coping and daily practices. Here are a few tips on ways to boost your physical and mental wealth. 

Prioritising good rest

A healthy sleep routine supports good health. Larks tend to be healthier than owls. Light exposure to awaken early in the morning. There are some great gradual light up alarm clocks, like the Lumie, Sunrise Alarm Table Lamp, Wake up to Daylight – that one even has a birdsong option too. The sound of birds singing is one we have evolved to equate with safety as birds only sing when the environment is danger-free (Hammoud et al., 2022). All the experts and evidence suggest that avoiding artificial light in the evening (Jerigova et al., 2022; Law & Clow, 2020; Merrow et al., 2005) is a good idea and we should turn off devices at least an hour before bed. You’ll sleep better if your bedroom is uncluttered and dark (if it’s not dark enough, try using an eye mask). Dr Tara Swart recommends sleeping on your side to maximise the natural detoxification process that occurs in the brain when you sleep. Exercise (ideally in the morning) helps us sleep well too. Getting outdoors – natural light exposure is crucial to supporting sleep and good health. 

Nourishment

Nutritionist Rosie Taylor says “It’s impossible to give generic nutritional advice, as everyone has a different starting point. Aiming for balance rather than perfection is really important.” 

With that in mind, Michael Pollan’s famous motto is a good reference… eat real food, just enough (not too much), mostly plants. 

Eating a vibrant rainbow of plants is wonderfully beneficial to the health of your brain and body. Including probiotics (kefir, kim chi, or kombucha),  and prebiotics (fibre) is benefits the gut (which is directly linked to our brain). 

The Positive Psychology intervention of savouring is taking time to properly chew, taste and appreciate the food you are eating. Eating more mindfully helps one taking care of yourself and indulge have a flexible way to optimally nourish your precious body. 

Dr Pam Peeke, circadian rhythm specialist, recommends Time‐Restricted Eating (TRE) - a pattern of eating within a time window to align our circadian rhythms (the body’s internal clock). Unlike regular diets, which usually restrict energy or types of food, TRE limits food consuming hours (usually to ≤12 hrs/day), with no limit on type or amount of food. In experiments testing stress hormones, it was found that earlier eating windows are best (i.e. finish dinner earlier) (Chawla et al., 2021). 

Essential hydration

Our bodies are approximately 60% water and our brains are nearly 80% water. Stay hydrated to maintain energy levels and mental clarity. 

Stand tall

Posture is important - our body position is monitored by the brain, creating a feedback loop. When we lift the head and heart, elongate the spine, we send a clear message to the brain: “I am OK, all is well”. 

Movement

The human body is designed to move and needs a daily dose of physical exercise, so find physical activity that you enjoy – joy is the fuel of life and a natural motivator. Physical exercise, is a stress management tool available to everyone – a proven way of rebooting the mind. Movement is the most beneficial thing we can do for our immediate and long-term mental and physical health. Exercising with music, and outdoors in nature nourishes us even more. As the Fitness Nurse, Olea Defore says “you don’t need to get it perfect, you just need to get it going”. Keep your trainers by the front door and follow the fun. If you’d like to learn more, Dr Kelly McGonigal’s book, “the joy of movement” is an inspiring love letter to human nature and movement in all its forms. 

Creativity

Creative activity for 20 minutes a day can increase longevity. Express yourself artistically: Write it out, Compose poetry, Make music (or a playlist),

Make art (colouring books could be a fun place to start), Dress creatively– Rebecca Weef-Smith’s research on ‘wearing wellbeing’ shows that choosing clothes you love & wearing outfits that put a smile on your face increases wellbeing. Try mindful Photography. Participate in Mandy Seligman’s project of (communicating non-verbally) ‘seeing happy’: to notice the best in your life and explore what everyday happiness means to you and your friends. https://seeinghappy.org

Make love 

Sexual wellbeing is an under-investigated but crucial part of life satisfaction. A study found that the brain is activated by pleasurable physical stimulation, and also by just imagining physical pleasure. More evidence to demonstrate the power of perception. 

Learn a language or a new skill 

Always wanted to speak a foreign language, play an instrument or build something from scratch? Do it. 

Support healthy relationships

Start with your relationship with yourself. Self-talk matters. Remember that you are the expert on you – the ONLY person who knows EVERYTHING about you.

Take responsibility for your mistakes and forgive yourself. You were doing the best you could, now what can you do better? Make amends with yourself, and others, then take positive action to live the way you want to, with authentic and supportive connections. 

Energy can shift in an instant

We are all human, facing our own challenges – seen or unseen. Finding acceptance where we are, reaching out for help when we need it, and being open to new perspectives helps us move forward. Balance requires both lows and highs… what may feel like a big dip could be a ‘springboard state’ to help give you momentum to bounce back to a better place. 

Speak with integrity

Your words are powerful, so say what you mean to speak kindly and generously of yourself and others. Use your power to foster truth and love. Try using clean language: a technique primarily used in counseling, psychotherapy and coaching but now also used in education, business, organisational change and health. Clear communication, designed to be understood. An example of clean language is called ‘positive teaching points’ group fitness – saying ‘keep your knees soft’, instead of ‘don’t lock out your knees’. Talk about what we are, what we are doing and what we will do.  

Celebrate!

Research found that the best predictor of a strong relationship is not how you argue or fight, but in fact how you celebrate. ACR is a way of truly being there for someone when things go right (Gable et al., 2006). It’s a way of responding supportively when someone shares good news or positive experiences. ACR is the ‘I’m so excited for you! Tell me more.’ approach usually boosts the wellbeing of both people.

Embracing Agency

Believing one is capable of overcoming challenges and making choices aligned with our values is the foundation of psychological wellbeing. Agency is a combination of efficacy, optimism and imaginative action. When people believe in individual agency, progress occurs (Martin Seligman). 

Communicating in real time

Real time communication is best for building connection. And talking face to face (in person) is most effective for understanding and also beneficial to our wellbeing. Humans need human connection. 

Hug

Holding a hug for 10 seconds triggers a release of oxytocin known as the “love hormone,” which bonds us to others, balances stress chemicals and helps stabilize blood pressure. (Dueren et al., 2021). Self hugging is effective too– wrap your arms around yourself and rock gently. Or to give yourself a ‘butterfly hug’ cross your hands and place your palms on your upper chest, with fingers fanned to look like a butterfly. 

Hand holding 

Holding hands with your loved one has been found to be protective. It “calms parts of the brain responsible for vigilance and emotional response. So when you reach out to hold a loved one’s hand in a difficult time, it’s like you’re sharing the burden with them.” (Graff et al., 2021). During an argument, hand holding has been found to reduce tension, increase connection and speed up resolution. 

Befriending stress

Our perception of stress tells our body how to react, whether we think we are distressed or excited, it matters. Dr Kelly McGonigal describes in the Upside of Stress that whether an individual views stress as damaging or challenging predicts the outcome. If we recognize that stress is useful and that the bodily sensations we experience (heart pounding, sweating) when under pressure, are signs that the body is energized – preparing us to meet environmental challenges. The heart beating harder signals more oxygen is being pumped to our brain, making us ready for action. Our perception is key to the outcome – in the same way that fear and excitement are physically similar, stress is physiologically close to joy and courage. 

Conscious Breathing

This practice of developing a gentle awareness of your breath as air moves in and out of your body can help achieve a state of calm to experience deeper engagement with life. Breathing consciously is a powerful tool for self-regulation. Many exercises such as four square breathing, ‘fall out breaths’, or emptying breath provide instant connection with the self and presence. 

Humming, Singing & Chanting

The voice box is directly connected to your vagus nerve (the main nerve of the system controlling important non-conscious body functions including immunity, digestion, and heart rate). Humming, singing and chanting naturally activate it. This is the mechanism by which yoga techniques (e.g. chanting “om”) produce amazing benefits. Humming, singing and chanting also require you to breathe consciously, to control the inhalation and exhalation.

Sensory self-soothing

We can use sight, smell, sound, touch or taste to ground us. Pause and savour a sensory experience (e.g. a soft blanket, a scented candle, a cup of fragrant tea, your favourite piece of music). Smell is particularly evocative and recent research suggests that having more scents in your home can help keep your brain healthy and improve memory. 

Laughing

Social glue, “laughter is an impactful behaviour. It has the power to build relationships and reinforce social norms”. https://www.laughter-lab.com/articles

Organising

The practice of decluttering and organising your home improves wellbeing according to the research of fellow Positive Psychologist & Professional Organiser, Caroline Roger. Considering our attachment to possessions and what we are ready to let go of is a worthwhile exercise. Actively arranging your home environment to feel more authentic has a positive impact on wellbeing and identity. 

Chawla, S., Beretoulis, S., Deere, A., & Radenkovic, D. (2021). The window matters: A systematic review of time restricted eating strategies in relation to cortisol and melatonin secretion. In Nutrients (Vol. 13, Issue 8). https://doi.org/10.3390/nu13082525

Dueren, A. L., Vafeiadou, A., Edgar, C., & Banissy, M. J. (2021). The influence of duration, arm crossing style, gender, and emotional closeness on hugging behaviour. Acta Psychologica, 221. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actpsy.2021.103441

Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G. C., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5). https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.904

Graff, T. C., Fitzgerald, J. R., Luke, S. G., & Birmingham, W. C. (2021). Spousal emotional support and relationship quality buffers pupillary response to horror movies. PLoS ONE, 16(9 September). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0256823

Hammoud, R., Tognin, S., Burgess, L., Bergou, N., Smythe, M., Gibbons, J., Davidson, N., Afifi, A., Bakolis, I., & Mechelli, A. (2022). Smartphone-based ecological momentary assessment reveals mental health benefits of birdlife. Scientific Reports, 12(1). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-20207-6

Jerigova, V., Zeman, M., & Okuliarova, M. (2022). Circadian Disruption and Consequences on Innate Immunity and Inflammatory Response. In International Journal of Molecular Sciences (Vol. 23, Issue 22). https://doi.org/10.3390/ijms232213722

Law, R., & Clow, A. (2020). Stress, the cortisol awakening response and cognitive function. In International Review of Neurobiology (Vol. 150). https://doi.org/10.1016/bs.irn.2020.01.001

Merrow, M., Spoelstra, K., & Roenneberg, T. (2005). The circadian cycle: Daily rhythms from behaviour to genes. In EMBO Reports (Vol. 6, Issue 10). https://doi.org/10.1038/sj.embor.7400541

Setiakarnawijaya, Y., Widiastuti, Taufik, M. S., Kuswahyudi, Awaluddin, Sina, I., Hasyim, A. H., Hasyim, Hafidz, A., & Muharram, N. A. (2022). MODERATE-INTENSITY EXERCISE DECREASES CORTISOL RESPONSE IN OVERWEIGHT ADOLESCENT WOMEN. Physical Education Theory and Methodology, 22(3). https://doi.org/10.17309/tmfv.2022.3s.04

Elizabeth Gilbert, best known as the author of “Eat Pray Love”, which was her fourth book and sold more than 12 million copies worldwide. When I read it in 2006 made me feel so connected to her, like we were soul sisters – and clearly it touched millions of people in a similar way. It was such an iconic hit that a film was made of it, and Liz was portrayed by silver screen superstar Julia Roberts. I adored the book and the movie, even if, like many films made based on well-loved memoirs, it didn’t pack the same emotional punch for me (probably because the most poignant and memorable moment of the book for me was the despair Liz experienced, crying on the cold tiled bathroom floor and I don’t think that moment made the final cut). The sequel, “Committed” was a pivotal life affecting book when I read it in 2011. Little did I know at the time that it would act as a form of roadmap to help guide me through my 31st year (quite timely too, around the time of the historic and awe-inspiring wedding of Prince William and Princess Catherine that year). 

In addition to feeling like I’ve read her secret diaries, I also felt like I know and love Liz Gilbert deeply from the way Glennon Doyle describes her and speaks of their friendship in her book “Untamed”. A Positive Psychology friend of mine mentioned that there was an opportunity to buy tickets to see Liz speak in London and I immediately bought myself a ticket. Uncharacteristically I bought only one ticket. I knew it was enough, just for me to be seeing one of my heroines live on the stage. The date was set. Tuesday April 9th, 7:30pm. I was so excited! 

I was so keen, that I arrived hours early! From the moment Liz stepped out into the auditorium she shone with charisma. Every word she said was full of love and good humour. At the beginning she said “let’s get it done- have you all got your phones to take photos- I’ll pose” then she said “everyone got it? Good, now you can put them away and we can all just be here together”. 5minutes later she gestured towards a lady in the middle of the front section and said “I’m so sorry sweetheart, I am distracted by your phone. Could you please put it away my dear? You’re not in trouble I promise. I love you. It’s just I get so easily distracted and I’d just really love for us all to truly be here together. I love you. And I love you all. Thank you.” She was so gentle and relaxed and full of warmth. She twinkled and laughed softly. 

There was so much love in what felt like a room (just a very large one, with 1943 seats inside), she was so at ease talking to everyone like dear friends. She told a story about a man called Charles she met in New York when she was working as a waitress. He was charming and engaging and well educated. He’d grown up very privileged- best schools, Ivy League college, and was on track to become a concert pianist. One day when he was 20 his left ring finger got crushed in a weight training accident (his brother and he had - don’t try this at home- made their own dumbbells)! He got rushed to the hospital and the nurses there treated him with such care- he was stunned to be on the receiving end of warmth for the first time in his life- he would hold up his missing finger and say “WORTH IT!”. She said love addicts will do anything, give a limb for love. She said “anyone who took a look at my romantic history would say ‘this is not an emotionally stable person!’” 🤣😭🫶
She’d just finished writing her latest memoir - it’s taken her 6years- to write about the love of her life, her soulmate- Raya- who was in recovery/sober when they met, diagnosed with cancer, turned back to drugs, Liz left her, then she got sober- right before she died. She said that she wouldn’t change it for anything- it was an experience she needed in “Earth School”, but her advice to anyone in a relationship with a drug addict: “RUN! Raya said it herself when she was sober” 🫶

Her resounding message was about love. Connecting with love inside all of us. She shared her daily practice of writing a letter to unconditional love- along the lines of:

Dear Love,

What do you have to share with me today?
I’m right here with you.
Tell me what I need to do. 

She said she found it incredible that, when she undertook a self-imposed fast and thought she was “original” or the 10days of being totally silent and not speaking a word… both activities of which she later found out are established yogic and meditation practices. It was the same thing with what she thought was her own special love letter practice that, upon embarking on the 12 step programme (recovery from addiction – her main one was love addiction!) that she discovered that one of the steps is called “2 way prayer”. And, it’s basically her love letter practice, with a Christian love letter- only it’s “Dear God what would you like me to know today?” She said the founder(s) of the 12step programme referred to that practice as the MOST important one (more than meetings and sponsorship). 

She told the funniest story about contagious feelings and how her friend did a study where one person starts tapping their foot in a line and he filmed it spread down the line- and each person along the line visibly started fidgeting looking at their watch repeatedly to demonstrate their growing frustration. She was at TSA New York airport to fly to London a few days ago and there were two men really agitated and shouting in front of her and behind her- swearing over her head and she stood there silently doing a meta meditation “may you be free from suffering. May you be loved” it was hilarious and sweet the way she told it. Love and compassion are contagious too. 

All of the people I love and who I know would have loved that being there to hear Liz speak that night were there with me in spirit. I sat next to a lovely lady called Zoe who within seconds of me sitting down felt like an old friend. She was joined by her cousin Joanne who told of her recent holiday in Amalfi and I felt like I already knew and loved her whole family. Liz also said it’s amazing that we are designed so perfectly that we can put one hand under an armpit and wrap the other arm around our self, holding the opposite shoulder and gently rock- and it releases endorphins. We are built to perfectly self soothe. 

During the Q&A at the end a lady said to her “I’d like to ask the wisest woman I know…” and Liz comically said looking around “well shall we ask her to come on stage?!”. A captivating evening it was and a wonderful example of intimacy as ‘in-to-me-see’ inspiring authenticity, creativity and love.

Elizabeth Gilbert has built a group of 100,000 people who write daily letters of love, and share them once a week that anyone can join. Writing letters of love, for the sake of love itself is work of the heart.
https://elizabethgilbert.substack.com